BabyShrink

“Ben Won’t Sleep in His Crib!” Mom Kelley Tries BabyShrink’s Advice

BabyShrink reader Kelley is the Mom to this adorable guy, Ben. Kelley had a really rough time getting Ben to sleep in his crib, and sleep through the night. Kelley emailed me for suggestions, and we developed a plan to help take back the nights for herself and her hubby. Read our conversation below to see what happened!

 

Dear BabyShrink,

My 13-month-old little boy has had sleep difficulties since the day he was born despite us establishing a "bedtime routine" (long walk outside and bath) very early on. Because we decided not to let him "cry it out," he has always had a sleeping crutch; first it was nursing, then bottles, then me or my husband. Only rarely has he slept through the night, and recently, he's been waking up every 2 hours. Our pediatrician cannot find any underlying health problems and is from the "crying it out" school, so she doesn't offer any other suggestions.

 Ben is a very engaged, curious, FEISTY, smart little boy (purely unbiased description!). Did I mention feisty? He has not demonstrated any allergies or intolerance's to foods or milk. He doesn't appear sensitive to noises or smells.

At daycare, they put him in a crib and rub his back while he falls asleep. At home, we had to put a mattress on the floor so that we can snuggle him to sleep and be able to leave the room.

He has never slept in his crib. 

He never goes down without a fight, at least with us.

He is teething and we've given him Motrin right before bedtime in case that was the culprit. Since he's my first child, I really don't have anyone to compare him to. I thought that he'd be used to his bed and nap time routines by now and things would be easier. But, it hasn't. I don't regret not letting him cry it out, but I feel sometimes that he's having a harder time because he doesn't know how to sleep on his own.

My husband and I haven't shared a bed in a year and we're ready to reconnect before we start thinking about baby # 2!

Is this normal behavior for a 13 month old? We are all in desperate need of sleep. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Kelley
Richmond, Virginia

Hi Kelley,

Thanks for your question. You must be exhausted!

It's very important that you found your son sleeps well at daycare. That tells us he is CAPABLE of doing it....he's just not WILLING! (at home, anyway.) So now, you have to decide...is it important to you to get him to be more independent in sleep? Is it important to you and your relationship with your husband to get some more time with him....and not always snuggling your son?

I am assuming your answers are "yes". It also appears to me, by what you have said, that there are not other issues keeping your son from sleeping better. (And of course double-check with the pediatrician, just to make sure I am not missing anything.)

So, this is about getting your son used to the idea of sleeping alone.

Start by talking with him about it. "You know, you are such a big boy, and you sleep so nicely at daycare, we are going to start sleeping better at home too. Mommy and Daddy and you all feel so much better when we sleep ALL NIGHT LONG, in our OWN BEDS. Won't that be great? Mommy will be SO HAPPY!" Mention it here and there throughout the day, and as you get ready for sleep.

Then, break the process down into several small steps, with the idea of slowly but surely physically moving away from him in bed, getting him used to sleeping without you.

Analyze the situation. First, perhaps you snuggle him to sleep, but when he is almost asleep, you slide down off the mattress, but still rub his back. Remind him "Don't worry, I am here. It's OK to go to sleep." Get him used to that; it may take one night, it may take 2 weeks. Then, pick the next step. It might be sitting on the floor next to the mattress while he falls asleep. Then when he is used to that, perhaps you sit by the door and talk with him while he falls asleep, all the while soothing him and congratulating him for being such a big boy and a GREAT SLEEPER, and HOW PLEASED YOU ARE that he is doing so well. Eventually you will move to having him PLAY in his crib, then put him in his crib when tired, talk to him about how great it will be to SLEEP in his crib, etc. Take small steps toward your ultimate goal.

Each step could take a day, a week, or more. But DON'T GIVE UP. He is likely to be the most resistant at first, when things start to change. But hang in there!

I know you don't want him to 'cry it out', but you CAN let him fuss a bit, at times. He of course will protest giving you up at night....but as he moves into becoming a bigger toddler, you are going to have to start getting him used to new limits anyway. Don't feel bad...believe me, when you get a taste of having your nights back for you and your hubby, you will be so glad!!! And a happy mommy (and daddy) mean a happier toddler.

Make sure you and hubby stick together on this...it is an important message to send to Ben...that Mommy and Daddy's relationship is of paramount importance in the house. Even more important than Ben's preferences, actually.

Because a strong parental relationship is ultimately super-important in the development of a confident and happy child. Better to have a little fussing from him, if it means YOU TWO get to re-connect, and strengthen that couple bond.

HAVE FUN and let me know how it goes!

Aloha,

Dr. Heather
The BabyShrink

Tomorrow, come back to see what happened when Kelley tried my suggestions!

Is Your Baby Different? So What?

Today is the final installment of my extensive interview with Nancy Peske. She and Lindsey Biel, co-authors of Raising A Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Integration Issues, have given us some terrific information about sensory development in both typically and atypically-developing children.

Today, she'll be helping us manage our expectations of our children. What is reasonable to expect, as a parent? If our child has sensory differences or challenges, how can we avoid disappointment, and respect and value our kids for who they really are?

BabyShrink: My readers are talking a lot about the emotional side of having babies who challenge their expectations of what it will be like to be a parent. If their baby is somehow different than they expected; needs more (or less) stimulation, comforting, sleep, etc., they are often surprised when their babies do not match the descriptions of newborn behavior in the "What To Expect" type books. They start to feel guilty that they are somehow not "making the grade" as a parent.

What can you say to these parents about the realities of parenting such a baby? How can they themselves cope with the strong feelings that may arise in such a case? How can they avoid beating themselves up, blaming themselves, and instead enjoy their own, unique child?

Nancy Peske: We're told by books and experts to not compare our children to others, but then we constantly get the subtle message that we should do exactly that! In general, most people don't look at a child's behavior or development and say, “Oh, I wonder if there's something unusual happening with that child at a biological level?”

And some people don't believe at all in biological causes of behaviors, and will quickly judge you and your little one, saying, “Send him over to my house for a few days. I'll straighten him out.”

When you hear criticism, consider the source. This is not necessarily someone who understands you, your child, or your child's special needs, and they might very well completely fall apart if they had to deal with your child 24/7 not knowing all that you've figured out! Picture them dealing with the screaming tantrum, the panic attack, or the diaper showdown, and just smile.

The more you use your sensory smarts to discover what's going on and come up with solutions to problematic behaviors and to help your child move forward developmentally, the more you'll truly understand that your child is dealing with a system that functions differently from that of other children. When you hold your toddler in your lap, gently squeeze her feet, legs, hands, and arms, and “magically” transform her from an overstimulated, fussing child into one who will walk over to the other kids and begin playing next to them, you start feeling empowered, because you know her shyness and whimpering is not due to her being a “bad” child or you being a “bad” parent. You're able to recognize what she needs and help provide it (and as she grows older, you can teach her how to get the sensory input she needs in a socially acceptable way).

One thing that can be extremely helpful is to join a support group or play group where you can talk to other parents whose kids aren't developing or behaving typically. There are many wonderful online support groups where you can hear from parents who have been there, who have advice and encouraging words that will make you feel that you're a competent, wonderful parent who is simply dealing with a bigger challenge than you anticipated. A special needs playgroup or Mom-and-Baby group can provide your child with a chance to socialize in an atmosphere where his “different” behavior will be accepted and honored, and where you can be supported by other parents as you support them. Parents of typically developing children--even when they've known you for years or are family--may never understand your child's issues, but over time, they may well come to see that you truly did have a very different challenge to face.

BS: What can you say to these parents about the realities of parenting such a baby? How can they themselves cope with the strong feelings that may arise in such a case? How can they avoid beating themselves up, blaming themselves, and instead enjoy their own, unique baby?

NP: I always think it's a good idea to keep records of your child's milestones and to celebrate them. Bake cookies the first time she takes a bath without a meltdown. Write it on the calendar and mark it in the baby book. Take a photo of her smiling in the bath. On your worst days, go back and look at your photos, or your home movies, of your child and remind yourself how far she's come.

 

Focus on development as a process and forget about timelines and what he "should" be doing by such and such an age. Again, this is where support groups can help. I learned I'm not the only one whose child didn't dress himself until age six, and so what? He eventually learned, and it certainly didn't prevent us from having a happy family life.

Try to let go of your ideas about what's “normal.” What's so very important about being “normal” anyway? Many of the most interesting, creative people in the world are wired differently, whether they're dyslexic, have ADHD, or whatever. If your child isn't typical, it may mean she's meant to do something very special.

Then too, really make a point of noticing your child's wonderful qualities. It's so easy to see them as a bundle of problems when you first begin dealing with diagnoses such as sensory integration dysfunction. Isn't it great that your kid has such high energy that he gets plenty of exercise? Isn't it great that she has exquisitely sensitive hearing and truly appreciates various types of music? Whether your child's special qualities are being empathetic, creative and resourceful, or able to deeply focus on tasks, remind yourself of these gifts so that you don't become disheartened by all the challenges in raising a child who is different, and so you don't start thinking that “different” is bad.

Mahalo and aloha to you, Nancy and Lindsey! Don't forget to visit their website for loads of support and information.

Dr. Heather

The BabyShrink